If you are easily offended, maybe you had better go BACK!!!
STAGES OF DRUNKENNESSStage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
Stage 3 - RICH
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
BEER AND NATURAL SELECTIONA herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that might be in danger of losing their edge.
BEER QUOTESLife is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team,
or some nuclear weapons, but, at the very least you need a beer.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep
comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be
no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
When we drink, we get drunk.
If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
Draft beer, not people!
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beerholder.
DRUNK AGAIN?Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I!"
"And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
GREAT BARSAn Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replied the Pole, "but it happened to my sister!"
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF WOMEN & DRINKINGSeven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
JESUS IS BETTER THAN BEER?When Christian students at Texas A&M University donned pro-abstinence t-shirts bearing the legend "Top 10 Reasons Jesus is Better Than Beer", Steve Berry of Texas A&M's Agnostic and Atheist Student Group knew how to respond:
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity
FDA ALCOHOL WARNINGSThe FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
BEER SPITTERSFred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"