February 18, 1998
Rob and Va's Newest Victim: "Man Hands"
By Robin Davidson,
In light of the violent tone Vanessa has developed, we decided to take a safer route this week. Vanessa seems to be irritated with most of my questions, so we've decided to turn our interrogation onto an innocent bystander - none other than our very own All-American and two-sport athlete, Kristin "Man Hands" Folkl.
Coincidentally, Folkl was the only reader to respond to our Super Bowl Quiz. She answered two questions correctly and won the prize of guest columnist.
Robin: Kristin, welcome to our column.
Folkl: Thanks, but could you tell Va to loosen the ropes? I promise not to leave, and my giant wrists are getting cramped.
Va: What's up, dawg?
Folkl: Chillin', my Baby Hands friend.
Robin: OK, now that we've exchanged pleasantries, let's delve into the secrets of what makes Folkl such a world-class athlete.
Va: Yes, question No. 1: Spandex - what's the deal?
Folkl: I've found through countless trial and error that strict compression around the quad and hamstring enhances my fast-twitch muscle fibers, allowing me to out-jump my competitors.
Robin: Really? This must be the best-kept secret in sports.
Va: Cut the crap, Folkie. You just like to show off your bum.
Robin: Well, why don't we take this in another direction?
Va: Fine. Kristin, what do you find the biggest difference is between basketball and volleyball?
Folkl: The biggest difference is that in basketball you can take over the game because you have unlimited touch on the ball.
Robin: So you like being the ballhog, huh?
Folkl: Well, that's not exactly what I meant. I feel I can. . .
Va: Once again, cut the crap. The thing you like about basketball is you get to hit people! Why do you think I play?
Folkl: Well, yes, it's true. Basketball does possess a certain violence that does not exist in volleyball. But I pride myself in transcending this barbaric display and making the sport beautiful - not only for the fans but for all mankind.
Va: Give me a minute - I think I'm going to puke.
Robin: OK, but stay away from the keyboard. And try to be nice to our guest. We don't suppress dissenting opinions here: We formulate unfounded ones.
Folkl: I've had enough of your shenanigans. Don't make me pummel you. You don't want the wrath of the Man Hands.
Robin: Before this completely deteriorates, let's ask another question. Va, can I trust you with this?
Va: Of course, Robin. I am always a lady. Kristin, if you could participate in one Winter Olympic event, what event would it be?
Folkl: I would want to be a figure skater because I could wear an even more revealing outfit than I do in volleyball.
Va: Are you sure you wouldn't prefer luge or speed skating? You could wear full-body spandex.
Robin: Besides, you're a little big for figure skating.
Va: Yeah, who'd be your partner, Andre the Giant?
Robin: Isn't he dead?
Va: Yeah, right, and so is Tupac.
Folkl: Can you guys stop picking on me? I think I'm going to cry.
Robin: Va, didn't we determine that figure skating isn't a sport?
Va: Shut up. I'm picking on Folkl .
Folkl: I've had just about enough of this. Can I go?
Robin: OK, one last question.
Va: Kristin, in the tradition of Barbara Walters, I would like to ask you, if you were a fruit, what fruit would you be and why?
Folkl: What the hell kind of question is that? I thought you were professionals here. I'm gone.
Robin: Well that was your first mistake. We prefer to think of ourselves as visionary contemporaries.
Va: You'd better get back here and answer the question, or we'll release the hounds.
Folkl: OK, I'll answer, but only if you promise to let me go. I would be a coconut because they're mysterious.
Va: What does that mean?
Robin: Vanessa, it's not our place to judge. Besides, do you really want to know?
Folkl: I've had enough. Can I speak to your editor?
Robin: No, but I guess that's a good place to end. Kristin, I'd like to thank you for being our guest and wish you luck on the rest of the season.
Folkl: Yeah right. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Va: Thanks for nothing. I hope I'm guarding you tomorrow in practice.
We (Vanessa) don't get the point of the luge. Even if you win, you're still a luger.