Drafts Discussed, Marv Albert Contacts Rob
By Vanessa Nygaard
It's that time of year again, folks - amateurs become professionals, shoe companies vie for endorsers and innocent youths learn that money talks. It's draft time.
Robin: Draft, did somebody say draft? I love draft beer.
Va: Not that kind of draft, you lush.
Robin: Well, what are we talking about then? Do you mean drafts like the things my CIV section leader always wanted me to write?
Va: Robin, you're making us all just a little bit dumber. Stop talking.
Va: That's more like it. What I'm talking about is professional sports drafts.
Robin: Do I get to talk now?
Va: Think before you speak.
Robin: Did you by any chance choose this topic because the WNBA draft is today?
Va: It's pretty nerve-racking not to know where you're going to be next year.
Robin: Oooh, you're right. It must be really stressful wondering who's going to pay you your next million.
Va: Shut up. It must be even more stressful to be an unemployed sportswriter with no direction.
Robin: You better not be talking about me. A little-known fact is that I've just been made eligible for the NSA (National Sportswriter's Association) draft. My agent tells me I'm going to go somewhere between the second and third round. I'm crossing my fingers for a Sports Illustrated spot.
Va: I know you want to be like me, but this is ridiculous. There's no such thing as the NSA. You didn't take Psychology 85: Fabrication and Lies. Wait, neither did I.
Robin: Oh yeah, how's this for proof? I have a letter right here from Marv Albert telling me what a great future I have and inviting me out for a bite to eat.
Va: That is so weak. Your skills have faded.
Robin: Well, let's get back to our topic. I know all this pent up hostility is because you're nervous about today's draft. Don't be; other Stanford players have done really well in the professional drafts this year.
Va: Yeah, five football players getting drafted is pretty impressive, must be a testament to our strength and conditioning program.
Robin: Are you going to watch the WNBA draft?
Va: Sadly no, I have a conflict with my quilting class. It's log cabin day and I can't miss that.
Robin: It's probably a good idea that you're not watching. I had a friend who watched the entire NFL draft, and when they picked Haskins she flipped out. I think it was a seizure of joy or something.
Va: You don't include me as one of your friends, do you?
Robin: You should take what you can get. You never know when you'll need a shoulder to cry on, but back to the draft. If you could play anywhere, where would you play?
Va: Well, Robin, did you ever see that "Gilligan's Island" episode where somehow mysteriously the Harlem Globetrotters ended up on the island and they built a court in the middle of the jungle. That's my dream, but I have heard that Skipper can be a jerk of a coach - you've seen him hit Gilligan with that hat.
Robin: I don't think the WNBA has a team on "Gilligan's Island," but "The Castaways" is kind of catchy. But seriously, where would you really want to play?
Va: I'd be happy to play anywhere; I just wish they had a team in San Diego so I could live at home with my Mommy.
Robin: Well. . .that's all for today. Va, I'd just like to wish you good luck in the draft. But if everything falls through, just remember, we'll always have our column!
Captain Va sends a shout out to her main dogs: Y-vonne, Phat-stini, Dra and the Big Red Dawg.